Love and Madness Essay for Drama

Love is a Madness most Discreet

If I were to simply describe the word “love” I would define it as a bond created between two beings, whether it is with a family member, a friend, or a significant other. But the definitions of love and the way one shows love for another are profoundly endless. When one cares deeply and passionately for another, they can perform actions like none has ever seen before. In Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, love is artistically described in these terms:

love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides.

And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work

out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable

that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not

breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of

promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second

minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is

kissing every cranny of your body…That is just being “in love”,

which any fool can do. Love itself is what is leftover when

being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and

a fortunate accident (de Bernières).

According to Bernières, there is a difference between being “in love” and then love itself. He first describes love as a “temporary madness” (de Bernières). If one were to think of love, you could describe the actions we take towards love “mad”. How much is one willing to do for the love of their life? How crazy can one get when their love is requited? What happens when a loved one dies? William Shakespeare himself describes love “a smoke raised with the fume of sighs; / Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers’ eyes; / Being vexed, a sea nourished with loving tears. / What is it else? A madness most discreet, / A choking gall, and a preserving sweet” (Romeo and Juliet, 1.1.181-5). Love is a madness most discreet; a feeling that causes one to have foolish behaviour, a feeling that causes one to act abnormally, a feeling that leaves one extremely happy at one moment and then utterly depressed in another, and all because of the love for another. We see many examples of the acts of madness due to love in many of William Shakespeare’s plays. In this essay I will focus specifically on Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night and Hamlet, taking note of all the great heights the characters make for the sake of their loved ones. There are many definitions for love, but there are also many definitions for madness. Both words, when joined together, create an endless possibility of emotions and actions one can bare to hold for the sake of another. In both of Shakespeare’s plays we see the acts of madness in devotion to love in two different situations. The first is to be madly in love: being completely love sick and dazzled by a significant other. The second is acting mad for the sake or in behalf of a loved one. Although they are two different situations, some of them happen to conjoin together creating a larger aura of madness within the plays. There are two different types of love, yet many types of madness occur because of it.

Madness can be described as “senseless folly” (dictionary.com). When a person is in love with another, they tend to define their feelings of passionate affection for this other person. In reality it is simple infatuation, also known as a “crush”, giving you the feeling that you’re “in love”. Bernières described what being “in love” is like and it can be compared to an act of senseless folly. In Twelfth Night we see many circumstances of one falling for another and their senseless behaviour that comes with it. Duke Orsino describes his love towards Olivia bigger than his own imagination, “So full of shapes is fancy / That it alone is high fantastical” (1.1.14). Olivia asks Viola (dressed as Cesario), “How does [Orsino] love me?” Viola replies, “With adoration, fertile tears, / With groans that thunder love, with sighs of fire” (1.5.243-4). Infatuation brings to Orsino a wave of uncontrolled emotions towards Olivia.

Marilyn French says, “love is insanity. It is the taking over of a rational and lucid mind by delusion and self-destruction. You lose yourself, you have no power over yourself, you can’t even think straight” (“Love My Dear Valentine”). Orsino’s concentration is also altered as he says “For such as I am all true lovers are, / Unstaid and skittish in all motions else / Save in the constant image of the creature / That is beloved (2.4.17-20). The only thing that is real for him at the moment is anything that has to do with his “beloved creature”, the beautiful Olivia. We also see Olivia’s senseless acts come to play as she finds herself smitten after her first encounter with Cesario: I do I know not what, and fear to find / Mine eye too great a flatterer of my mind. / Fate, show force; ourselves we do not owe. / What is decreed must be – and be this so! (2.1.297-300). Olivia finds herself unable to think properly because she is so distracted and flustered by the attractive looks of Cesario. Maria tells Toby of Olivia’s behaviour having been different since she met Cesario: “since the youth of the count’s was today with my lady, she is much out of quiet” (2.3.122-4).

Madness can also be described as a state of frenzy or rage, or the feeling of intense excitement or enthusiasm (dictionary.com). In Twelfth Night, madness is made by the misconception and misunderstanding due to love. Malvolio’s situation is the perfect example. Malvolio infatuation for Olivia was so great, it clouded his ability to think properly, like French says. Maria creates a letter, pretending to be Olivia, telling Malvolio what will make her happy. Malvolio was so desperate to please Olivia and gain her love, jumps straight away to the conclusion that the letter really for him from her. The little acts of devotion Maria mentioned in the letter were so absurd, yet Malvolio was willingly ready to recklessly fulfill them all:

Daylight and champian discovers not more! This is open. I will be proud, I will read politic authors, I will baffle Sir Toby, I will wash off gross acquaintance, I will be point-device, the very man. She did commend my yellow stockings of late, she did praise my leg being cross-gartered; and in this she manifests herself to my love, and with a kind of injunction drives me to these habits of her liking. I thank my stars, I am happy. I will be strange, stout, in yellow stockings, and cross-gartered, even with the swiftness of putting on (2.5.152-163).

The letter did not even sign off as Olivia, but because Malvolio was excited to gain her favour, he jumped to the conclusion that it was her. Later on in the play, Malvolio’s madness alters from the state of being madly in love and doing crazy acts of devotion to the state of being in madness or chaos because of the misunderstanding of the situation. He thinks it was Olivia who wrote the note when it was really Maria, Toby, and Andrew who tried to trick him. Poor Malvolio enters into a state of madness and confusion because he feels no one else knows what he is talking about.

Similarily in Hamlet, Opehila is convinced by Hamlet’s love, “he hath importuned me with love/ In honourable fashion” (1.3.109-10) and “hath given countenance to his speech, / With almost all the holy vows of heaven” (1.3.112-3). She is then warned by her brother and father. Laertes and Polonius both recognize what infatuation can be like and warns Opheila that “if he says he loves you, / It fits your wisdom so far to believe it” (1.3.23-4) and to “Fear it, Ophelia, fear it, my dear sister, / And keep you in the rear of your affection, / Out of the shot and danger of desire” (1.3.32-4).

In Twelfth Night, the clown sings and compares the feeling of love like the feeling of death:

Come away, come away, death,

And in sad cypress let me be laid.

Fly away, fly away, breath;

I am slain by a fair cruel maid.

My shroud of white, stuck all with yew,

O, prepare it.

My part of death, no one so true

Did share it.

(2.4.51-8)

The song describes the man dying because he’s been killed by a “fair cruel maid” (2.4.54). It ties with the terms of a “stolen heart”, the feeling of being so in love with someone, being smitten, that they have taken their heart. The feeling of being so love-struck by someone can leave you in a state of not wanting to live anymore. When you feel like the love of your life, the person who has stolen your heart, all of sudden runs away with it, the feeling of dying plays upon a person. We read about this example in Hamlet when Ophelia literally goes insane. Her father has just been murdered, and by the person she thought she loved. In her insanity, she sings to herself, “how should I your truelove know / From another one?” (4.5.23-4). She asks herself how she can tell the difference between the person she loves and some other person who just killed her father; someone she thought she once knew turned out to be a murderer. Ophelia is driven to madness as her love and hate for Hamlet clashes together, putting her in a very obscure state. She continues to sing to herself, as if trying to tell her story,

Tomorrow is Saint Valentine’s day.

All in the morning betime,

And I a maid at your window,

To be your Valentine.

Then up he rose and donned his clo’es

And dupped the chamber door,

Let in the maid, that out a maid

Never departed more.

By Gis and by Saint Charity,

Alack, and fie for shame!

Young men will do’t if they come to’t.

By Cock, they are to blame.

Quoth she, “Before you tumbled me,

You promised me to wed.”

(4.5.48-55, 58-63)

Ophelia’s mad behaviour is the result of the traumatizing fact that her lover has killed her father. She sings this narrative song to decipher the fact that she feels used by Hamlet and that he might in fact never really loved her. Within the inner conflict of feelings of a person, going from loving someone to hating them because they killed your father, creates a catastrophic storm with the emotions of Ophelia, therefore driving her to complete insanity. Can you imagine how much that would hurt? To find the one you loved might not have loved you at all. The feeling of death or being “killed” by the one who stole your heart as described in the clown’s song takes effect here as Ophelia mentality tarts to fail. As Ophelia exits the scene, Claudius orders to “follow her close. Give her good watch” (4.5.74) because her behaviour triggers suspicions in her audience. Horatio jumps to the conclusion and implies that her “dangerous conjectures in [her] ill-breeding mind[]” (4.5.15) can lead to something tragic. And he was right. Ophelia’s insanity was much too great for her to handle and she literally ended up being “slain” by her love. The loss of both loves, her father and Hamlet, drove Ophelia do the depths of her death. Queen Gertrude describes Ophelia’s state before she drowned:

There, on the pendant boughs her coronet weeds

Clambering to hang, an envious sliver broke,

When down her weedy trophies and herself

Fell in the weeping brook. Her clothes spread wide,

And mermaid-like a while they bore her up,

Which time she chanted snatches of old lauds

As one incapable of her own distress,

Or like a creature native and indued

Unto that element. But long it could not be

Till that her garments, heavy with their drink,

Pulled the poor wretch from her melodious lay

To muddy death

(4.7.170-181)

Queen Gertrude says that Ophelia’s state was as if she didn’t know what kind of danger she was in or she acted like she put herself in that kind of danger all the time. Ophelia’s madness drove her to a state of unconsciousness. Although she was awake, she wasn’t mentally in the same place as she was physically. Her feelings of love turned on her to a state of madness and insanity and then lead to her death.

Madness is not only caused by the love-sick acts of individuals, but can also be caused when one has strong feelings of affection towards another, like the relationship between family and friends (“Oxford Dictionaries”). In Twelfth Night, Olivia refuses to love anybody because of the sorrow she has due to her brother’s death. Orsino describes this:

O, she that hath a heart of that fine frame

To pay this debt of love but to a brother,

How will she love when the rich golden shaft

Hath killed the flock of all affections else

That lives in her

(1.1.34-8)

Madness can be characterized by sorrowful behaviour because of a loved one’s death. Orsino says that all Olivia’s affection has been taken and used up due to the loss of her brother and she refuses to share her love with anyone else. Above it is discussed in Hamlet that Ophelia’s madness was partly due to the fact that the person she loved had killed her father. The other part of her madness came to the fact that the person killed was someone she truly loved as well. A messenger describes Ophelia’s behaviour “indeed distract” (4.5.2) due to her father’s death:

She speaks much of her father, says she hears

There’s tricks i’ th’ world, and hems, and beats her heart,

Spurns enviously at straws, speaks things in doubt

That carry but half sense. Her speech is nothing,

Yet the unshaped use of it doth move

The hearers to collection; they aim at it,

And botch the words up fit to their own thoughts,

Which, as her winks and nods and gestures yield them,

Indeed would make one think there might be thought,

Thought nothing sure, yet much unhappily.

(4.5.4-13)

Ophelia’s behaviour is considered mad because she isn’t acting like herself. She is acting abnormal because of her depression towards her father’s death. It’s as if she can’t believe that her father has really gone. She sings of her traumatized feelings:

He is dead and gone, lady,

He is dead and gone;

At his head a grass-green turf,

At his heels a stone.

O, ho!

(4.5.29-33)

At the beginning of the verse, it seems as if she has accepted to the terms that her father has passed away. But once she starts describing to herself where her father’s body is it’s as if it slowly strucks her for the first time that her father is actually dead. She then cries with grief “O, ho!” (4.5.33). Claudius pities Ophelia and says:

O, this is the poison of deep grief; it springs

All from her father’s death and now behold,

O Gertrude, Gertrude,

When sorrows come, they come not single spies,

But in battalions

…

Poor Ophelia

Divided from herself and her fair judgement,

Without the which we are pictures or mere beats;

(4.5.75-9; 84-6)

Claudius’ explanation of Ophelia’s behaviour is exact in its description as to what the madness from losing a loved one is like. When he says “they come not single spies, / But in battalions” he was referring to the other unfortunate things that were all happening at that time too. But in context to madness, the sorrow of her father’s death can seem like just one miniature thing, one that can be compared to “single spies”, with the aftermath of “battalion”-like results. As mentioned above, Ophelia’s madness and insanity due to the grief of her father’s death ended with her own death.

Hamlet himself eventually became mad because of the promise he had made for his father to seek revenge for him. He started off with the madness of grief bore upon him with the death of his father and the remarriage of his mother all at once, bringing him into a whirlpool of despair which he describes as “self-slaughter” (1.2.132). When his father’s ghost appears to him, the ghost tells Hamlet to “revenge his foul and most unnatural murder” (1.5.25). Hamlet promises: “as meditation or the thoughts of love, / May sweep to my revenge” (1.5.30-1). He uses the love for his father as a means to seek revenge for him, to bring an honour back to his name and take back what once was his. Hamlet has his mind set as he vows,

Remember thee?

Yea, from the table of my memory

I’ll wipe away all trivial fond records,

All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past

That youth and observation copied there,

And thy commandment all alone shall live

Within the book and volume of my brain

(1.5.97-104)

Hamlet loves his father and his grief was great. When he is given an opportunity to act for his father, he takes that chance willingly. He offers to remove all distractions from his mind so he can fulfill his father’s command. Because of his love, he knows he has a duty to fulfill. Hamlet even warns Horatio of his plans as he prepares them that he will be acting “mad”:

But come:

Here as before, never, so help you mercy,

How strange or odd some’er I bear myself

(As I perchance hereafter shall think meet

To put an antic disposition on

(2.1.171-5)

Hamlet’s plan to seek his revenge was to act mad in front of those he tried to seek revenge against. In doing so throughout the play, we see a shift in Hamlet’s behaviour, as he starts pretending to be mad, and then somehow turns into a mad man. It has been a common argument for readers to question as to whether he has been merely acting as or has officially become mad, and if he has, where does he make the shift between pretending and becoming.

Whether madness was created due to acting foolishly because of an infatuated feeling or acting with intense emotion because of someone you really care about, all these situations were thus because of love. In the words of Friedrich Nietzsche, “there is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness” (“Love My Dear Valentine”). Shakespeare’s characters: Olivia, Orsino, Malvolio, Hamlet, and Ophelia, all had a cause for their madness, and it was because of their love for somebody else.

 

Avalie Lavista [7] February 3, 2011

Avalie got up laughing, dusting the snow off herself. Roo stood there just staring at her. Her smile disappeared as she gasped to fix herself. The fall from the toboggan ride had made her hair all a mess, her mascara run, and her face all flushed. She then started frantically looking around for something.

Roo bent down and picked up the white flower hidden in the snow. He walked up to Avalie and brushed the hair out of her face.

“Stop fussing!”, Roo chuckled.

“But you’re laughing at me!”

“Calm down, I look at you all the time!”

“Yea, well, it makes me uncomfortable. I feel like you’re staring at something wrong with me.”

“Quite the opposite actually.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”, retorted Avalie. She wasn’t in the mood to hear any of Roo’s lines that he’d use on the ladies.

“Ava, do you realize that I stare at you because I see something special in you? Whatever that something is, it completely amazes me.”

Roo placed the flower back in her hair as she stood there speechless.

“I can be with you anywhere, anytime, and I’ll always think you’re beautiful no matter what.”

Avalie tried to hold in her smile. She took the snow out of her hood and placed it onto his head.

“You’re so full of it”, she smiled, then started running back up the hill.

—–
James Calvin . Derek Night . Tyson Skye .
Avalie Lavista . Axel Chase . Mallorie Adams .
6 lives . 3 promises . 1 risk & 1 story . It’s going to be AMAZING .

 

Ariana Rae Limas (C)

Mary Stuart Essay

Drama Essay - Oct 20, 2010

The Power of Mary Stuart

In Friedrich Schiller’s Mary Stuart, act 3, scene 4 is where Mary and Elizabeth have their first encounter. To readers, Queen Elizabeth may seem to be the one with the highest power and authority. She has Mary, Queen of Scots, imprisoned. She has stripped Mary away from her homeland, her family, her friends, and also her pride. Although they are both royalty, Elizabeth definitely seems to have the upper-hand in this situation, especially because Mary’s fate relies all on Elizabeth’s decision. But in this scene, we see how Mary’s actions, words, and behaviour, though they may not be the most accustomed way of showing power, definitely displays how powerful Mary can be. Even with her status as an imprisoned queen, Mary is able to raise herself above Queen Elizabeth.

In scene 3, we read about the Earl of Shrewsbury constantly telling Mary how she should act around Elizabeth. He tells her that she must “submit to stern necessity” and reminds Mary that “the power is in her hand; therefore be humble” (54). He emphasizes that Queen Elizabeth is the one with the power in this situation and no matter what Mary is going to have to try her best to submit herself. Mary finds this very difficult as she complains that she has “studied, weighed, and written down each word within the tablet of [her] memory that was to touch and move [Elizabeth] with compassion” (54), and yet still can’t think of anything.  She describes her relationship as follows,

The timid lamb embrace the roaring tiger!
I have been hurt too grievously; she has
Too grievously oppressed me. No atonement
Can make us friends (54).

Mary finds it almost impossible to get along with Elizabeth as she compares herself to a timid lamb, completely defenceless, against someone as powerful as a roaring tiger. But as we move on to scene 4, Mary is able to prove her power over Elizabeth with her submissive actions, her strong choice of words, and her reserved yet assertive behaviour towards Elizabeth.

In the beginning of scene 4, we can see that Mary is still not ready to face Elizabeth. She is described to be “lean[ing], almost fainting, on Kennedy” (55). But as Elizabeth enters the room, Mary “rises…and her eyes meet the steady, piercing look of Elizabeth” (55). Already we can see the tension within the room between the two. As this takes place, we can still see that Mary hasn’t let go of her pride as she feels the need to get up as to not show her weak self in front of Elizabeth. She has a difficult time as she walks up to Elizabeth and her “actions express[] the most violent internal struggle” (56). She feels shame and almost regrets that she knows she is going to have to submit herself. But we see her sudden change as she says, “farewell high thought and pride of noble mind! I will forget my dignity and all my sufferings. I will fall before her feet who has reduced me to this wretchedness” (56). She then turns towards Elizabeth and “she kneels” before her, signifying that she submits and gives Elizabeth the satisfaction that she is now under her command. Although this is so, Mary shows her power through humbling herself. She shows that she has self control and courage that she is able to do this, no matter how prideful she wanted to be about it.

Mary tries to get on Elizabeth’s good side by acting like the lesser person through her words. She asks very politely that Elizabeth raise her “from the depths of her distress”. Mary tries to speak very kindly at first, even referring to Elizabeth as “my sister” (56). It shows that Mary is trying to be at peace with Elizabeth by calling her something as close as flesh and blood. But Mary is also reminding Elizabeth, by calling her “my sister”, that they are both queens and that she should be treated with just as much respect. She reminds Elizabeth that, “The royal blood of Tudor! In my veins it flows as pure a stream as in your own” (57). Elizabeth mocks her by saying she “stoop[ed] so low” just by coming to talk to Mary (57). Mary replies back saying, “I am a Queen, like you, yet you have held me confined in prison. As a suppliant I came to you, yet you in me insulted…no more of this!” (57). She gives Elizabeth the satisfactory that she has the higher status, but still is able to partly defend herself. She still tries to get Elizabeth to soften her heart, “to kindle in [their] hearts the flames of hatred” (57). She tries to persuade Elizabeth by saying she doesn’t want to be like the kings of old who “tear the world in pieces and let loose hell’s raging furies” (58). We see Mary’s confidence rise as she “approach[es] [Elizabeth] confidently, and with a flattering tone” (58). Elizabeth continues to belittle Mary by disrespecting her “house” (58) and by implying that Mary is some kind of hoar that “seduce[s] [her] people” (59). Elizabeth’s words are used to degrade Mary, but Mary stays strong and doesn’t fight back. It truly shows that she has humbled herself and the words she uses show her strength and intelligence, equalling her power to Elizabeth’s.

Mary’s overall behaviour towards this situation, reserved yet assertive, is what gives her the higher power. She didn’t want to be humble at first, but she forced herself to. No matter how many times Elizabeth put her and her family down, Mary let it go and still tried to prove that she really needed to be saved by Elizabeth. She says,

you have destroyed me in my bloom…
Say: “Mary, you are free.
You have already felt my power, learn now
To honour too my generosity” (59).

Elizabeth replies, “So: you confess at last that you are conquered?” (59), even though Mary has been trying to show her this continuously throughout the whole scene. Mary tried so hard, but it didn’t work on Elizabeth to ease up on her punishment. This is when Mary courageously takes a stand to keep her dignity. As the tragic heroine in this play, it is vital that she keep her dignity against someone who is trying to take it away. Mary bursts out angrily, pleading, and Elizabeth criticizes her that he has shown her “real face” (59) and that everything Mary tried was just an act. Mary is described to be “burning with rage, yet dignified and noble” (60). She then stops all flattery and bravely confesses,

My sins were human and the faults of youth.
Superior force misled me. I have never
Denied or sought to hide it. I despised
All false appearance as became queen.
The worst of me is known, and I can say
That I am better than the fame I bear (60).

She lets go of the act of being lesser than Elizabeth by saying, “farewell, lamb-hearted resignation, passive patience, fly to your native heaven!” (60). She raises her voice towards Elizabeth and bluntly tells hers that “a bastard profanes the English throne” and describes Elizabeth’s “whole person is false and painted—heart as well as face” (60). Through this whole argument, Mary was full of emotion as she tried to humble herself before Elizabeth, who cold-heartedly didn’t act rationally as a queen at all and constantly humiliated Mary.

Mary’s power is shown as her victory is proven with the very last lines of the scene. Mary gets right up “into Elizabeth’s face” (60) and tells her “I am your rightful queen!” (60). Mary exerted her power by finally telling Elizabeth she doesn’t have power over her. Mary’s power is shown as she becomes the superior one in this argument. After yelling, Elizabeth “hastily quits the stage” (60). Mary had the last and final word. Elizabeth did not have anything to say to her after, which leaves Mary being the superior. In scene 5, we can see that Mary does feel powerful as she tells her nurse, “now I am happy, Hannah! Now, at last after whole years of sorrow and abasement, one moment of victorious revenge! A weight falls off my heart, a weight of mountains!” (61).

Even though Elizabeth did seem to be the one with more power, Mary showed her power by showing her abilities of strength of self control and courage towards submitting and humbling herself, something she found very difficult to do, and courage and strength to admit to the wrongs she’s done. This alone shows Mary’s power, but by being able to rise above and save her dignity against Elizabeth, no matter what her status was at the moment, showed how powerful she really was.

 

Cited Works

Schiller, Friedrich. Mary Stuart. New York: Applause Theatre & Cinema Books, 1959. Print.

 

Avalie Lavista [6] November 30, 2010

“Look at me. You’ll get over it ok? Trust me, you will. He doesn’t matter. What matters is that you try your best to fix that heart of yours. You can’t make anyone love you; all you can do is be someone who can be loved and the rest is up to the person to realize you’re worth it.”

Avalie played Mallorie’s advice over and over again in her mind. It’s been three years since Mallorie first said those words to her; when Ava decided to finally walk away from Vince. And she had used that advice all throughout the years. She thought that James would be that person. But once again she was wrong. And now Roo was here for her. He told her how much he loved her and how much she was worth. Roo was there for her, her best friend, the person she always confined in, the person who knew everything about her, and sometimes even knew her better than herself…but why was it so hard for her to allow herself to love him? She knew she did, but she was so scared to admit it.

*** meanwhile…***

Tanner turned toward Mallorie with a concerned look on his face. He struggled to get the words out, “you know…it’s really hard to wait around for something that you know might never happen.”

As much as Mallorie loved Avalie, she didn’t like to see Tanner so stressed out either. “If you know you can’t have her, then why don’t you just let her go? What’s the point?”

Tanner looked down, then back up at Mallorie, this time with a smile on his face. He let out a little chuckle, “because…it’s even harder to give up on something that you’ve always wanted”.

Touched, Mallorie’s solemn face brightened up in an instant. “If that’s how you really feel about Ava, then tell her.”

“I let her know all the time. I don’t think she realizes that as she’s been waiting for James, I’m been waiting just as patiently for her.”

Close to tears, Mallorie tried to comfort him, “just keep trying Tanner. Trust me, she does love you. It’s just hard for her to fully allow herself to”.

“But why?”

Mallorie heaved a sigh, “she’s just a little scared, I guess. She’s scared to get too close to anyone because everyone that promised to stay left”.

“Well she’s already broken half that statement of yours. She let me get so close. Maybe even too close. Do you know what that feels like? Every smile from her is torture because it’s a taste of something I can’t have.”

“I don’t know if this helps, but she truly does love you Tanner. She really, really does. I can tell. Ever since you guys became friends, she’s never been happier. With James gone, all she’s done was worry about him. But you have made a serious difference in her life.”

“You really think so?”

“I know so. And you know what confirms that? When you’re not around her there’s definitely something missing from her smile.”

Mallorie knew all Avalie had to do was allow herself to trust her own heart. Mallorie knew how Avalie felt deep down inside. “I’m not saying that I’m in love, I’m just saying that lately he’s all I’ve been thinking about”. Those were the words Avalie had said when Mallorie first approached her about Tanner. Maybe it was about time she helped her friend realize how she really felt.

 

©Ariana Rae Limas

Avalie Lavista [5] August 16, 2010

“I remember every look upon your face, The way you role your eyes, the way you taste. You make it hard for breathing ‘Cause when I close my eyes and drift away I think of you and everything’s okay And finally now, believing…”

As the chorus started to play, Avalie rolled onto her stomach and furiously dug her face into her pillow. She slightly lifted her head and gave the radio the cut-eye. “You just had to play that song, didn’t you”. Avalie realized she was talking to an inanimate object. She was officially going crazy. She rolled back and stared at the ceiling. She was still thinking about what Roo had said to her the night before.

Axel had thrown a huge party for her 20th birthday bash at her cottage up in northern Ontario. Everyone who was anyone was there. Avalie enjoyed herself inside for a bit, but as the night grew longer she found herself strolling alone in the field out back. Beyond the partying beat, Avalie had found a peaceful serenity with the moon just peaking through the tops of the trees and breathing in the fresh forest air. She closed her eyes to savour the moment.
All of a sudden she heard a snap of a twig. Someone had followed her outside. She cautiously turned around and saw a familiar figure. It was Roo.
“Oh, it’s just you”, Avalie said relieved. “I didn’t know you were in there.”
“I wasn’t. I just got here. Axel told me you went for a walk outside, so I came to look for you. Mind if I join?”

Avalie and Roo strolled along, the moonlight guiding the pathway, leading them deeper in the forest. Roo cleared his throat, “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about what happened a while back.”
Avalie had to think before she realized he was referring to their adventure at High Park. Since then, they had spent so much more time together.

He paused for a moment, then hesitated, “ I know how people look at me, Ava. People see me as the guy who doesn’t want to settle with a girlfriend cause I go around giving attention to what seems like every girl in the world.”
It was true. Avalie had noticed how friendly Roo was with the ladies. But as a friend, she had been able to look past that.
“But lately, there’s only been one girl on my mind.”
Avalie froze. “Roo, wait.”
“Ava, just let me finish. I know you still think about James ok. I know you’re not completely over him. But I love spending time with you. You make me laugh like no one else does. You make me realize that you can find joy in the little things in life. You are one of the most beautiful people I have ever met”, he slowed down, “…and you look at me like no one else does. You see a different side of me that no one has ever tried to look for.”
Avalie stared at him.
“Ava, I want you to be mine. I want you to be my girlfriend.”
Avalie looked away as she blinked the tears from her eyes.
“Roo, we should really start heading back to the party…”
“Ava…”
“Roo, I can’t.”
Roo didn’t like Ava pushing him away so quickly.
“Ava, I know its cause of James. I get that. But why can’t you just let it go and move on? Everyone’s been telling you that he’s not coming back. And you tell me all the time how much you doubt him. You’re too busy waiting for someone who’s not coming back! I don’t think you realize that you build a wall around yourself so no one else can come near you!”

She could not believe what she was hearing. She trusted Roo with all that, but she didn’t expect him to use it against her.
“Well it’s not like I built this wall to keep people out! At first it was cause I didn’t want anyone else but James! But now it’s just there …just waiting for someone who cares enough to try and knock it down!”, Avalie shouted back, tears running down her face.

Roo calmed himself down. “Ava, what do you think I’m doing.” He pulled her in and wiped the tears from her face. “Okay, let’s go back to the cottage.”

As they re-entered the party, the DJ had already slowed everything down. Two Is Better Than One played through the speakers. Roo led Avalie to the dance floor. They slowly swayed around without speaking to each other. With the last few moments of the song, Roo spun Avalie and pulled her close. He had her caressed under his chin. “Ava”, he whispered. “ I’m sorry about before. But I meant everything I said. You’re incredible. And you don’t need James to prove that you are. It kills me to see that you don’t see how much you’re worth. Earlier I said that people see me paying attention to what seems like every girl in this world. Ava…I promise, I won’t leave you like he did. I want you to be the only girl in my world. You’re like my best friend. I love you.” He kissed the top of her head. Avalie closed her eyes trying to hold back from crying.

She was still staring at the ceiling, but now tears were streaming down her face. She didn’t know why it was so hard to let go. She sat up on her bed and wiped her face. She took a deep breath. She still had hope James was coming back. But she had let that take control of her life. She missed out with Ryder because she was too caught up with thinking about James. And now there was Roo. She had spent so much time with him the last few months. Once again, she had flashed back to the time at High Park. She smiled as she thought back to how she felt that day; that there was someone who actually took her mind off of James. She didn’t want to lose her opportunity like she did with Ryder. Roo meant so much more to her.

Avalie stood on the line between giving up on James and holding on just a bit longer. She had to make a decision. She grabbed her phone and texted Roo. “I need to see you.” It was about time she decided which side she wanted to be on.

©Ariana Rae Limas